Dissertation: Why Belle is the best Princess in the Disney Universe

(This is a repost from a Facebook note I composed nearly two years ago, though the rant developed in early 2006 in my post-K exile. It stems from a question posed to me by my then 9 year old cousin.)

The smartest of them all.....

In my “15 + 10 Things” note, I mentioned my great admiration for Belle of Beauty and the Beast, who I wish had a larger solo presence in their merchandising. I dare say that she is the smartest, prettiest and best overall princess in the Disney universe. Observe….

Snow White: Heffa’s stepmother tricked her out of her own house, and then went traipsing through the forest without protection. She happened upon the seven dwarves, who took her in (and took advantage of her domestic skills, but I suppose some payback for their kindness was due), and the only thing they told her was DON’T LET ANYBODY IN THE HOUSE. What did she do? She opens the door for her disguised stepmother (who is frightful-looking enough then to make you want to pretend you’re not home), takes the poisoned apple from her, bites into it and “falls asleep.” It takes the dwarves and Prince Charming’s kiss to rescue her. DUMBASS.

Cinderella (and why THIS cow is so popular is beyond me): Stepmother AND stepsisters royally screwing over her (and where is her daddy, BTW? Shouldn’t he be taking her side or at least reassuring her?), mock her and laugh at her when she mentions going to the ball. Gets a fairy godmother, but is warned after her transformation to BE BACK BEFORE MIDNIGHT OR ELSE. Where is she at 11:59? About to kiss the Prince and has to make a run for it before everything turns back to rags. (Although how the shoes stayed in the material plane I have no idea). Prince Charming (no relation–he was blond, anyway) has to go house to house to find her and push past the ugly stepmother and stepsisters to get to Cindy and rescue her from her dreary life of servitude. DUMBASS.

Aurora (of Sleeping Beauty fame): From birth she was cursed by Maleficent(?), the one wicked fairy not invited to her christening–as a result, all spinning wheels (and probably all pointy sharp objects) were banned from the kingdom, and Princess Aurora was wrapped in the medieval fairy-tale version of bubble wrap. Except for one which mysteriously showed up at the castle (either Maleficent planted it or there’s another dumbass in the family–there are usually rumors of inbreeding, anyway). EVERYBODY in the kingdom, including Princess Flax-for-Brains knows she can’t touch sharp stuff, but somehow stabbing herself in the finger with a spinning wheel spindle was high on her Bucket List (“Ooh, what’s this? Ow! Zzzzzzzz…..”), and as a result, she knocked out herself and the entire kingdom for 100 years. Enter Prince Charming (this is either one of the other two princesses’ offspring or another branch of Charming–honestly, one guy couldn’t POSSIBLY be rescuing and pledging his love to all these women without modern transportation), who in his princely finishing lessons already learned that a kiss is the revival method for all princesses, wakes her up and saves the kingdom. Aurora, of course, remembers nothing and is grateful to the Prince, who is now saddled with taking care of this airhead. DUMBASS.

Ariel (yes, I am going after The Little Mermaid): Her father warned her about both Ursula AND the humans. Ursula got Ariel to trade her voice for legs, and so not only did ol’ girl have to figure out how to get around on land among a race of creatures she knew nothing about simulating, she had to use her body, feminine wiles and sign language to mack on the Prince (who, thankfully, was just known as Eric–I doubt he was a Charming. Probably a Nielsen, since this was adapted from Hans Christian Andersen’s tale, but I digress…). Not only did Ursula double-cross her and cozy up to the Prince DISGUISED AS ARIEL, but her daddy had to bargain the undersea kingdom for his daughter’s life. Now this dumb heffa has put her OWN race at risk. She did eventually help bring about Ursula’s demise, but it was her stupidity that got everybody in the mess to begin with. BIG DUMBASS.

Jasmine: Now, our Aladdin heroine isn’t quite as bad as the others–she was initially suspicious of our beggar prince, but she let herself be charmed. Also, I will concede to some degree the place women tend to have in Arab culture for her not doing anything about Jafar when she first started suspecting him of dirty deeds. And she did help bring him down in the end–but she could’ve been a little more savvy. PAMPERED AND NAIVE, BUT NOT QUITE DUMB.

Belle: Yes, she was taken captive by the Beast–of her own accord, because she was trying to save her father and offered herself in exchange. The is the first well-read and inquisitive princess (again, Ariel’s dumb ass doesn’t count because she didn’t THINK before she did stuff; she just jumped right in, consequences be damned.) and one who demands respect. Look at all the hoops Beast had to jump through just to get a minute of her time. AND she was wise enough to see the beauty behind his hairy, “ugly” face in comparison to conceited “pretty-boy” Gaston. (I’d have gone straight for Beast myself–spell or no spell). When Gaston and company stormed the castle to kill the Beast, Belle swung into action and talked the townspeople down. Except, of course, for scorned dumbass Gaston, who attacked Beast. Belle was a good soldier, took off her earrings and broke out the Vaseline and helped whoop his ass. Eventually, Beast and Gaston fell over the roof of the castle, after which Gaston fell to his death however many stories below. Belle saved the Beast by expressing her unconditional love and kissing him before the last rose petal fell–thus transforming him from HIS curse so they could live happily ever after.

I rest my case.

(Now obviously, if we want to be thoroughly technical, I did leave out two “princesses”–Pocahontas and Mulan. They don’t count because both fell in following Beauty and the Beast and I’m guessing the Disney writers finally got the idea and brought in some smart women for little girls to emulate and identify with. I also find it curious that the princesses gained IQ points in correlation to the amount of melanin they had….reverse racism Disney or inside blonde joke? [Don’t let those dumb heffas fools you–Snow White and Ariel are blonds at heart])*

(Additionally, I must make some concessions for Tiana, the “Frog Princess”, though her work/emotion balance was a little skewed. But definitely no dumb cookie. Disney, you are safe from my wrath on this one.)

*To all my blond friends, please realize that this is for entertainment purposes only–I KNOW I don’t know any dumb blondes! lol

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nala
    Sep 02, 2012 @ 16:01:59

    I hate Belle. Even if she is smart, she is SUCH a bitch. If the 20 foot monster tells you that you can’t go into a certain place, DON’T GO THERE. Idiot. Then afterwards, when the Beast told her that she shouldn’t have gone into the west wing because she caused lots of trouble, she was trying to defend herself and acted as if it was the right thing to do. And her voice is so freaking annoying and generic with no expression. She came off as really stuck up and bitchy to me. 😛 Belle sucks.

    Rapunzel is my favorite princess even though she is totally retarded.

    Reply

    • dramaqueen1913
      Sep 06, 2012 @ 00:18:27

      I almost didn’t approve this blasphemy, but I realized it’s a perfect teaching moment. That’s a common mistake many people make–because a woman is smart, speaks her mind and is direct even in the face of resistance, she immediately gets classified as a bitch. The only “trouble” she caused was getting that big, hairy blowhard to face his own mistakes and makes some changes so he could break the spell and return to life as it was before. Just because she’s not whiny and clingy like certain other popular princesses doesn’t make her stuck-up…she doesn’t tolerate any BS or boorishness and rightly shies away from anyone who does.

      I have yet to see Tangled and what they did with Rapunzel, but hopefully Disney learned something from the rest of those dim bulbs. I don’t hold out much hope, though….

      Reply

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  4. Jen
    Nov 02, 2011 @ 11:50:42

    Belle is definetely my favourite princess but I like the others as well, except Snow White. If Mulan were a princess she would be top of my list without a doubt!

    Reply

    • dramaqueen1913
      Nov 02, 2011 @ 12:20:34

      I don’t HATE the others (well, maybe Cinderella is grating on my last nerve)–it’s just that a) Belle is far more underrated generally and from a marketing standpoint than any of the other DU princesses, and b) the more popular (read: promoted) princesses perpetuate the “girls are helpless/stupid” myth. I guess I should be grateful that Tiana is getting the solo push that she is, given that there were very few cartoon role models for me to look up to as a child. I most definitely agree with you on Mulan….beautiful AND badass!

      Thanks for reading!

      Reply

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